I have been a fan of the show "The Biggest Loser" for several years now, I love that these people come on the show and bare all, they are heavily medicated and in severe condition due to weight, after a few weeks, the medication is almost always removed, simply from eating right and exercising. I was glad to see Jillian do her own thing after TBL ended for the season, "Losing it with Jillian"...this show focuses more on the reason for the weight gain. Several people on there have had gastric bypass, and yet, they are again overweight. Jillian goes into the mind to find the source of the issues that lead to the gain...and for the first few shows I thought, "I'm not like that, I don't have some deep hidden feelings that cause me to be overweight (and for the record, I'm not truly overweight as we see these families, but you get the general idea).
However, several times now I have reached the lowest I have gotten since my journey began mid June, and each time when I saw that I kinda "quit". I stopped working out and I eat badly beyond the occasional cheat...it's like I crave the naughty foods, like I want to gain back.
So I have really began to wonder why do I do this, what is the reason for me to do this when I get SO CLOSE to my goals...and I think I finally figured it out.
I have an issue of "never being good enough" it has been an ongoing battle for me since I don't know when. I don't want to point fingers at any one person, because that would not be fair or justified. But take a few comments/actions from family, friends, former boyfriends, husband, co-workers and put them all together in a mind like mine that doesn't forget anything and tends to take things personally and to heart, and there it is...I just have felt like I'm never good enough and therefore when I see that I am succeeding, I stop it, it is new territory for me to be good enough, and new territory is scary.
Now, don't get the wrong idea, I'm not saying that I'm put down or in a bad place, but if I could erase the things from my head/heart that hurt me, I would be better off. This is why I am not trusting, this is why I am sometimes "cold hearted", etc. It is my way of protecting myself.
But I realize, that those people who have done or said things to hurt me did it to cover their own insecurities or because they have issues beyond my control and I will not let that keep me from my goals anymore.
Today is a turning point for me, I am back to that lowest weight number that I have seen 3 times as I gained and lost those 2-3 lbs again and again. So I have to choose, do I fight for my success and see that number finally drop, or do I give in to the pity pie "not good enough" mindset and see it go back up?
I choose the challenge. I think once I get past this another pound or two, I will have lost that mindset forever in the past where it belongs.
I feel rejuvinated and free, and in control! It feels great!
Friday, July 30, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
I got a little behind...not "I've got a little behind!" ha
Well, which excuse do you want to hear first? Honestly, at the beginning of my "downfall" I did not use excuses, I simply was not able to keep myself going with the workouts. Sick babies, early summer school, evening activities, fair booth, sore knee/ankle, etc...but then it was all to easy to "get out of the mode."
Now, not to totally slap myself on the hand, I have still been losing weight and eating right. (mostly) I have kinda found my balance I guess with the food, I know what my body can do for carbs and yes, even snacks that I completely took off my list in the beginning. I continue the veggies and fruits and high protein, but I am at a 13 lb. weight loss since I began this (of course flucuating that 2 lbs, but it seems to be continuing to drop overall) so I am happy with that. I can wear many things I couldn't and I was telling my P90X coach today that this is my body's "comfort zone" meaning, without working out and eating normal, I am at the weight I find myself at a lot.
Summer school is done and I was to begin again on the workouts today...and I didn't. My coach was great in telling me about her moments she didn't do them either and sometimes that just happens.
After several weekends at the cabin and the eating starting to take a wrong turn, I'm glad I corrected that and have been back on track today and feel myself getting back into working mode to continue my journey.
So...I will TRY to get my workout in tonight, but I PROMISE I will get up tomorrow morning and start over.
I'd like to continue, but baby is paging me!
Now, not to totally slap myself on the hand, I have still been losing weight and eating right. (mostly) I have kinda found my balance I guess with the food, I know what my body can do for carbs and yes, even snacks that I completely took off my list in the beginning. I continue the veggies and fruits and high protein, but I am at a 13 lb. weight loss since I began this (of course flucuating that 2 lbs, but it seems to be continuing to drop overall) so I am happy with that. I can wear many things I couldn't and I was telling my P90X coach today that this is my body's "comfort zone" meaning, without working out and eating normal, I am at the weight I find myself at a lot.
Summer school is done and I was to begin again on the workouts today...and I didn't. My coach was great in telling me about her moments she didn't do them either and sometimes that just happens.
After several weekends at the cabin and the eating starting to take a wrong turn, I'm glad I corrected that and have been back on track today and feel myself getting back into working mode to continue my journey.
So...I will TRY to get my workout in tonight, but I PROMISE I will get up tomorrow morning and start over.
I'd like to continue, but baby is paging me!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
I DID IT!!!! But not done yet!
YEE HAW!!!!!! When I stepped on the scale this morning, I was plesantly surprised to see that I have finally gotten down to the weight I was at when I found out I was pregnant with Julia.
This doesn't mean I'm at my "happy weight" BUT...I was stuck for months at a weight that was not acceptable. I wanted to lose all my pregnancy weight by the time she was 9 months old, as it took me 9 months to gain it all, and I DID IT!!!!!!!!!
That is good news for the number on the scale, but the "flub" from being stretched out for the 4th time is a whole other goal and issue...I will continue the P90X to try to get those muscles back in check...and I think I can definatley do some improvements, will I ever have a 6 pack, I'm beginning to really doubt it, and that's fine. I will be happy with "somewhat flat" stomach, just so I can reduce this baby pouch!
The "bigger" capris and pants I had been wearing are too big, and I can get into my normal pants, but they are still snug and not too comfy, so still a ways to go, but I'm getting there!
SO...I have lost 12 lbs. and I have 10 more to go to my goal of weight, and hopefully in the process I will get toned up and lose some flub and inches from my waist especially.
This doesn't mean I'm at my "happy weight" BUT...I was stuck for months at a weight that was not acceptable. I wanted to lose all my pregnancy weight by the time she was 9 months old, as it took me 9 months to gain it all, and I DID IT!!!!!!!!!
That is good news for the number on the scale, but the "flub" from being stretched out for the 4th time is a whole other goal and issue...I will continue the P90X to try to get those muscles back in check...and I think I can definatley do some improvements, will I ever have a 6 pack, I'm beginning to really doubt it, and that's fine. I will be happy with "somewhat flat" stomach, just so I can reduce this baby pouch!
The "bigger" capris and pants I had been wearing are too big, and I can get into my normal pants, but they are still snug and not too comfy, so still a ways to go, but I'm getting there!
SO...I have lost 12 lbs. and I have 10 more to go to my goal of weight, and hopefully in the process I will get toned up and lose some flub and inches from my waist especially.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
OUCH!
Before each workout, there is a disclaimer saying to check with your doctor, stop if you feel any discomfort, etc. I always giggle at that "stop if you feel any discomfort" really? I mean, isn't some of the discomfort part of your changes...well, yes. But not the type of discomfort I felt tonight and I know what they mean now.
I was doing Chest and Back tonight, which is basically Pull Ups and Push Ups. When I did the first few sets of Push Ups I was like, "wow, really feeling it in my lower abs, cool!" But then it was a painful feeling, like a tearing (don't worry, it wasn't a tear or near that bad by any means, just trying to describe the pain) on my left side of my lower abs. I tried to modify and do my knees, but after a couple of those, same thing. I grabbed my bands and stood or kneeled to try to "mimmick" the Push Up we were doing which was okay. I tried again in round 2 but I just couldn't do it without that pain. So I modified the Push Ups, if I can even call them Push Ups anymore after the modification! But, I kept moving and using my upper body, so I can't be upset about that.
I am 2 days behind...I missed Monday and Tuesday, to make up for it, I'm going to to Day 2 (Plyo) in the morning and do Day 3 tomorrow night. I prefer to workout in the morning, but lately it hasn't worked that way so the evenings have been okay except that I'm wired and go to bed later than I should.
So as long as I'm confessing my "naughty" workout behavior lately, I may as well let you all know I snuck a mini-resess pieces cup yesterday when at RNRToGo! Darn those candy dishes! And I had a tootsie roll later that day. I just felt like I NEEDED chocolate...and now that I think about it, the last few days I couldn't seem to get full, I ate A LOT (kept it good stuff), but still A LOT of it...SO, this is why writing things down is good...I'm guessing with the hunger, craving for chocolate, and the pain in my lower abdoment (which to be more exact was the same pains females get about once a month)...I'm going to say it would be due to the physics of a women...but I wouldn't know as I'm still nursing and have had an awesome vacation from that crap! ha ha ha!
Okay, now that I think I figured that out and confessed all my "sins" this week, I will give myself a pat on the back for a few things:
1. When we have gone out to eat, I have chosen Subway (no cheese, no oil, no fatty dressing, lots of veggies and only Ham, Turkey, or Chicken Breast).
2. If we didn't go to Subway, I chose a salad with low-fat or FF dressing, and only used 1/2 or less of it anyhow.
3. Was at the Northern WI State Fair today and it smelled DELICIOUS, and people walked by my stand with Gyros, Cheese Curds, Funnel Cakes, Mini Donuts, Cheese Fries, Corn Dogs, Cheesecake on a Stick, (you get the picture)...and I didn't buy ANYTHING, I had $, I walked around and passed it all...but I did EXCELLENT.
Now, in saying that, I will allow myself 1 treat this week at the fair. I'm not sure if it will be a Gyro or Ice Cream. But I will stay away from the fried stuff for sure. I'm just letting you all know now so you don't think I lost it, I'm choosing that.
Okay, I'm going to go read so I can wind down and get some sleep...early day with Plyo.
I was doing Chest and Back tonight, which is basically Pull Ups and Push Ups. When I did the first few sets of Push Ups I was like, "wow, really feeling it in my lower abs, cool!" But then it was a painful feeling, like a tearing (don't worry, it wasn't a tear or near that bad by any means, just trying to describe the pain) on my left side of my lower abs. I tried to modify and do my knees, but after a couple of those, same thing. I grabbed my bands and stood or kneeled to try to "mimmick" the Push Up we were doing which was okay. I tried again in round 2 but I just couldn't do it without that pain. So I modified the Push Ups, if I can even call them Push Ups anymore after the modification! But, I kept moving and using my upper body, so I can't be upset about that.
I am 2 days behind...I missed Monday and Tuesday, to make up for it, I'm going to to Day 2 (Plyo) in the morning and do Day 3 tomorrow night. I prefer to workout in the morning, but lately it hasn't worked that way so the evenings have been okay except that I'm wired and go to bed later than I should.
So as long as I'm confessing my "naughty" workout behavior lately, I may as well let you all know I snuck a mini-resess pieces cup yesterday when at RNRToGo! Darn those candy dishes! And I had a tootsie roll later that day. I just felt like I NEEDED chocolate...and now that I think about it, the last few days I couldn't seem to get full, I ate A LOT (kept it good stuff), but still A LOT of it...SO, this is why writing things down is good...I'm guessing with the hunger, craving for chocolate, and the pain in my lower abdoment (which to be more exact was the same pains females get about once a month)...I'm going to say it would be due to the physics of a women...but I wouldn't know as I'm still nursing and have had an awesome vacation from that crap! ha ha ha!
Okay, now that I think I figured that out and confessed all my "sins" this week, I will give myself a pat on the back for a few things:
1. When we have gone out to eat, I have chosen Subway (no cheese, no oil, no fatty dressing, lots of veggies and only Ham, Turkey, or Chicken Breast).
2. If we didn't go to Subway, I chose a salad with low-fat or FF dressing, and only used 1/2 or less of it anyhow.
3. Was at the Northern WI State Fair today and it smelled DELICIOUS, and people walked by my stand with Gyros, Cheese Curds, Funnel Cakes, Mini Donuts, Cheese Fries, Corn Dogs, Cheesecake on a Stick, (you get the picture)...and I didn't buy ANYTHING, I had $, I walked around and passed it all...but I did EXCELLENT.
Now, in saying that, I will allow myself 1 treat this week at the fair. I'm not sure if it will be a Gyro or Ice Cream. But I will stay away from the fried stuff for sure. I'm just letting you all know now so you don't think I lost it, I'm choosing that.
Okay, I'm going to go read so I can wind down and get some sleep...early day with Plyo.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Week 1 Complete!
I did it, I made it through my first week of P90X! Some days were tough, really tough...this next week my goal is to have better form now that I've been through it and have a little more idea what to expect and to keep up on the ones I wasn't. And to make it through Yoga (yawn).
Overall, this first week of P90X was kinda like taking all the successful workout genres and DVD's and just combining them into one kit. I KNOW it gets tougher as I push myself and excel more...and there is nothing wrong with my view of the set, smart guy...but I'm just saying that I could have probably taken my Yoga tape, some old Billy Blank Tae Bo, some Jillian, some Barry's Bootcamp and just alternated and I'd have a similar routine. Am I disappointed I got it, HECK NO! I think Tony is great and keeps things informative, fun and fast moving.
Best of all, I'm seeing results. I'm hoping to see some numbers drop on the scale again, been at the same place here for 3-4 days. I notice a difference in some clothes already, not that it's a HUGE difference, and not that maybe anyone else would notice, but I had this pair of capris that I could not get buttoned a month ago. I wore them this week! And I realized I forgot to take measurements on Day 1, but did take them about a month or two ago. I'll do that again tomorrow and see if there is a difference. Today I had 2 people who hadn't seen me in awhile compliment me on how good I was looking and asked what I was doing. This felt great cuz they are not on FB with me to know that I had been doing this.
But I have to say this...I HATE when people say, "you look great for having 4 kids" Or "you look really good for just having a baby"...to me that is not a compliment, it is just excusing me for the way my body looks right now...I can't wait for the day to meet someone and just hear "you look great" or "what? you have 4 kids?" Those are true compliments, ones without attachments/excuses.
I had pizza tonight...I am still trying to "balance" and not feel guilty when a meal isn't 100% healthy, but when you're really working hard, you start to take each calorie into consideration.
Okay, I need to get a shower (Kenpo X=AWESOME) and get some ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ's!
Overall, this first week of P90X was kinda like taking all the successful workout genres and DVD's and just combining them into one kit. I KNOW it gets tougher as I push myself and excel more...and there is nothing wrong with my view of the set, smart guy...but I'm just saying that I could have probably taken my Yoga tape, some old Billy Blank Tae Bo, some Jillian, some Barry's Bootcamp and just alternated and I'd have a similar routine. Am I disappointed I got it, HECK NO! I think Tony is great and keeps things informative, fun and fast moving.
Best of all, I'm seeing results. I'm hoping to see some numbers drop on the scale again, been at the same place here for 3-4 days. I notice a difference in some clothes already, not that it's a HUGE difference, and not that maybe anyone else would notice, but I had this pair of capris that I could not get buttoned a month ago. I wore them this week! And I realized I forgot to take measurements on Day 1, but did take them about a month or two ago. I'll do that again tomorrow and see if there is a difference. Today I had 2 people who hadn't seen me in awhile compliment me on how good I was looking and asked what I was doing. This felt great cuz they are not on FB with me to know that I had been doing this.
But I have to say this...I HATE when people say, "you look great for having 4 kids" Or "you look really good for just having a baby"...to me that is not a compliment, it is just excusing me for the way my body looks right now...I can't wait for the day to meet someone and just hear "you look great" or "what? you have 4 kids?" Those are true compliments, ones without attachments/excuses.
I had pizza tonight...I am still trying to "balance" and not feel guilty when a meal isn't 100% healthy, but when you're really working hard, you start to take each calorie into consideration.
Okay, I need to get a shower (Kenpo X=AWESOME) and get some ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ's!
Friday, July 2, 2010
Oops!
It was bound to happen that I had an "off" day...well, Thursday was that day. Julia had been getting up more in the night, I'm drained by morning. I did get up to workout but it was Yoga, and it was 1 1/2 hours, and I had TONS of stuff to do for work, lots of errands to run, and laundry, house, etc. to get done. I may be making excuses, but I started the tape and realized I kept thinking about getting the window to Jay, picking up the color samples, getting the bid done for Friday's meeting, etc., etc. So I ended up hitting "stop"...almost did a different one to make up for it, but didn't.
Then after all my work and errands I had to go pick up the 3 older kids at Grandma and Grandpa's cabin...and wether it be habit to eat out there (and not particularily healthy food), or that I was just craving sweets, or felt like I should have just got them and left to get my housework done, or feeling down...not sure what the reason, but I WANTED something bad...I ate 2 small cookies...150 calories! Are you serious? I was upset with myself for that. Then when I got home, Adelyn had a drumstick (ice cream) and left the cone on the table, which still had ice cream in it, and I ate it...What is going on?
I had to rethink my reasons for the changes in my food and activity. I had to try to understand why after all this time was I unable to say "no thanks" this day. And I realized I used food to comfort me, to fill a void, to try to make me feel good...and I had to get control over that again.
We can't always be perfect, and I also had to "allow" some more foods in my day that I was omitting. For instance, tonight we had burgers on the grill. I had gotten ground turkey to make mine and still left the cheese off, but I had gotten myself to think of bread as "evil carbs" and tonight I had to realize that it was OKAY to have a bun with my burger. (they were wheat anyways)...and I felt very satisfied and comfortably full, not stuffed, and not wanting to snack snack snack to get full. I think I may have found a happy medium. YEAH!
And then I did the "legs and back workout"...LOVED LOVED LOVED it! I know I will feel it tomorrow and I can't wait to get those little (okay, maybe not so little, ha ha) fat bumps under my bra gone! Hate them! At first I thought "legs? man, my thighs are going to be HUGE cuz I just got over the "ouchie" pain from Plyo a few days ago...but Tony knows what he's doing and it working many different leg muscles. I will say I kept up really well, and still used the bands for the pull ups but also used weights for things we didn't need to and tried to stay with the guy doing the little extras (curls, knee lifts, etc. during other exercises).
I retook my before pics yesterday in a new suit I hope to be able to wear by the end of summer and look like I CAN wear it...my first before pics had too much light in the room from the windows and seemed kinda "foggy" and too bright, this new group is much better for lighting, which I'm not so sure if that's necessarily a good thing as you see lots more of the "problem areas"! Not for long!
Of course my main issue is my waistline, or lack thereof. My baby belly is still looking prego and my lovehandles are ridiculous. Seriously...it's an intertube! yuk! But this last pregnancy also for the first time in my life has my thighs touching, or rubbing...that is already gotten better these last 2 months, but still needs some attention. And my back...my butt, hips, and waist look like one big circle, I about crapped myself when I saw those pictures! So, lots to do, but with each workout, I can feel my different muscles responding.
I better get to bed, I was up almost all night last night with the baby, took her to urgent care this morning and she had ear infection and very red, irritated throat...poor little girl, no wonder! So, I'm hoping after 2 doses of anitbiotics and some tylenol, we will have a pleasant evening!
Then after all my work and errands I had to go pick up the 3 older kids at Grandma and Grandpa's cabin...and wether it be habit to eat out there (and not particularily healthy food), or that I was just craving sweets, or felt like I should have just got them and left to get my housework done, or feeling down...not sure what the reason, but I WANTED something bad...I ate 2 small cookies...150 calories! Are you serious? I was upset with myself for that. Then when I got home, Adelyn had a drumstick (ice cream) and left the cone on the table, which still had ice cream in it, and I ate it...What is going on?
I had to rethink my reasons for the changes in my food and activity. I had to try to understand why after all this time was I unable to say "no thanks" this day. And I realized I used food to comfort me, to fill a void, to try to make me feel good...and I had to get control over that again.
We can't always be perfect, and I also had to "allow" some more foods in my day that I was omitting. For instance, tonight we had burgers on the grill. I had gotten ground turkey to make mine and still left the cheese off, but I had gotten myself to think of bread as "evil carbs" and tonight I had to realize that it was OKAY to have a bun with my burger. (they were wheat anyways)...and I felt very satisfied and comfortably full, not stuffed, and not wanting to snack snack snack to get full. I think I may have found a happy medium. YEAH!
And then I did the "legs and back workout"...LOVED LOVED LOVED it! I know I will feel it tomorrow and I can't wait to get those little (okay, maybe not so little, ha ha) fat bumps under my bra gone! Hate them! At first I thought "legs? man, my thighs are going to be HUGE cuz I just got over the "ouchie" pain from Plyo a few days ago...but Tony knows what he's doing and it working many different leg muscles. I will say I kept up really well, and still used the bands for the pull ups but also used weights for things we didn't need to and tried to stay with the guy doing the little extras (curls, knee lifts, etc. during other exercises).
I retook my before pics yesterday in a new suit I hope to be able to wear by the end of summer and look like I CAN wear it...my first before pics had too much light in the room from the windows and seemed kinda "foggy" and too bright, this new group is much better for lighting, which I'm not so sure if that's necessarily a good thing as you see lots more of the "problem areas"! Not for long!
Of course my main issue is my waistline, or lack thereof. My baby belly is still looking prego and my lovehandles are ridiculous. Seriously...it's an intertube! yuk! But this last pregnancy also for the first time in my life has my thighs touching, or rubbing...that is already gotten better these last 2 months, but still needs some attention. And my back...my butt, hips, and waist look like one big circle, I about crapped myself when I saw those pictures! So, lots to do, but with each workout, I can feel my different muscles responding.
I better get to bed, I was up almost all night last night with the baby, took her to urgent care this morning and she had ear infection and very red, irritated throat...poor little girl, no wonder! So, I'm hoping after 2 doses of anitbiotics and some tylenol, we will have a pleasant evening!
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Committment
My day today was crazy busy...Tuesdays are my mandatory office day, payroll, bills, taxes, etc. I had to run to find some material for a building, make calls, schedule drops, and this was after the kids got dropped off at summer school but before picking them up, oh, and I still have a 3 year old and a 5 month old home while I do this. Then when I picked the kids up, grocery shop before getting home just in time to nurse, make supper, and get kids ready for Tball and Pitchball. Grandma and Papa came to visit after the game and it was after 9 when I got baby to bed, then the other 3...I'm wiped...I think I should just get my PJ's on and go read before crashing...BUT, I made a committment to myself, I made a goal...it was not to miss a day of my P90X workout for this 90 day journey. SO, I put on my workout gear and headed downstairs!
Day 3, Shoulders and Arms. I realize I need to get some heavier weights. I only have 5# and the only exercise it was even hard on was the "seated shoulder flys". Maybe my arms are used to more weight since I carry a 16# weight around all day, and that's when she's not in the carseat carrier! I tried to do more reps to make up for the lighter weight, and it felt too easy. Only a few of the exercises were challenging with 5#.
Well, it's now almost 11PM, and I'm sure I'll be up in an hour to feed the baby...so GOODNIGHT!
Day 3, Shoulders and Arms. I realize I need to get some heavier weights. I only have 5# and the only exercise it was even hard on was the "seated shoulder flys". Maybe my arms are used to more weight since I carry a 16# weight around all day, and that's when she's not in the carseat carrier! I tried to do more reps to make up for the lighter weight, and it felt too easy. Only a few of the exercises were challenging with 5#.
Well, it's now almost 11PM, and I'm sure I'll be up in an hour to feed the baby...so GOODNIGHT!
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